Donna C. Terrell

I Was Just Thinkin'

How Much Do You Want It?

2009-01-10-Mountain-climbing

It’s a real slow day for me at work. I often shudder to think that this is the calm before the storm, and that storm oftentimes comes late on a  Friday afternoon, which is when I want it to be slow. Anyway, I’m sitting here being very unproductive.

I’m thinking I could have written something. But I always go on inspiration, and I haven’t had any lately. It’s Tuesday and I haven’t did a Take-Me-Back in a while. No inspiration. I’m always talking about how I want to do more with my writing and yet I sit here with all this time and no words are being put on computer. So what’s my problem? I realize that I’m always waiting on inspiration. What is that even about? When I was in grade school, my equally creative childhood best friend and I would walk to school and talk about how we wanted to write a story. “Give me some inspiration,” one of us would say to the other. So during our four-block walk to school, we’d toss out ideas until one of them resonated. Then, brimming with wonderful new trains of thought, we’d zip through our class work so we could jump right into that story. We didn’t know at the time that we were brainstorming. No ideas were off the table. We said whatever came into our minds. The next day, we’d have a new masterpiece written on 3 or 4 sheets of notebook paper—both sides.

So what else is my problem? I have been dealing with insomnia for about 3 or 4 years now. It’s not every single night, and I do have sleep meds that I take sparingly. I’ve adapted by embracing the very early morning. I get up at 4 three days a week so I can have my time with the Lord and then be at the gym at 5. I really like that routine. I sometimes hit Walmart in the 6 a.m. hour. I always ask for the earliest doctor’s or dentist appointment. Sometimes I cook, or throw in a load of laundry. Then I go to work. So by the time I get home, I’m pretty much zonked. Because of all this, I don’t want to give attention to anything but the TV. So I don’t.

It’s still a heart’s desire to do voiceover, and the desire hasn’t gone away. But because I’ve been blessed by God to have this particular job that’s been steady for the last 2 years, my head is into making the money. I haven’t always had well-paying steady employment at something that I’m good at, and where I have favor. That’s totally God. It also costs money to do the level of promotion one needs to do to try to get the voiceover jobs, and I really don’t want to put my money towards that right now. I want to save for a house. I have an agent, and I need to get back in contact with the one agent that I have totally fallen off the radar. I haven’t been checking in because I’ve been working. Also, I have a fear that if I check in, I’ll get auditions and won’t want to work on the audition when I get home from work because of the time it takes and my after-work energy level.

Which brings me to my question—how much do you want it? How much do I want it?

I really want to gain an audience for my writing, so I have to, uh, write. Like when I was 11 years old. Meaning, find that inner brainstorm and do it. On a regular basis. That would be an accomplishment for me, to do two pieces a month. I was doing it, but got discouraged because I’m not picking up any followers. And I don’t know why I can’t even get my family to read my stuff. It only takes 10 minutes, c’mon…

I really want to do voiceover. So I need to get past the fear of contacting the agent and do it. I have another agent and I get a few auditions from her. Ideally, they say a talent should get between 3 and 5 auditions a week. I get that many a month, maybe, so I’m way behind the 8-ball. That’s because I’m not focused on it or really pursuing it at this time. I need to do vocal warm-ups at least 3 times a week so when I do get an audition I can actually say the line without tripping over syllables.

How come I’m not focusing on my heart’s desires and God-given gifts? Because they take work. Extra effort. Time. Rejection is a part of it, because creativity is subjective. It’s what the powers-that-be decide that they like or don’t like. They may or may not like my words or my point-of-view. Yet, I want to see my column in the newspaper. To me, voiceover is steeped in rejection. I never get anything I audition for. You have half a million people going for the same stuff. Yet, I want to turn on the TV and radio and hear my voice.

So, how much do I want it? Maybe not enough? But I do really want it! Enough to stop whining about it? Enough to not let insomnia and exhaustion rule my life? That’s no fun, I tell ya. But I guess I need to put mind over matter and do what I can do and let God do what I can’t. The Lord told me to stay ready for voiceover, but I haven’t been doing that. I need to pray about it, confess the Word over it and work. Faith without works is dead. Write something. So what if no one reads it. When I was a kid, I wrote all the time and never let anyone but Linda read my stuff. Yet I was happy writing.

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What about you? Is there something you really want, but perhaps you’ve been wallowing in complacency, or content with something that really isn’t going to give you long-term satisfaction? Do you want to pursue that goal? Are you willing to pay the price for that goal, no matter what the price is? The price of time, finance and sacrifice? Think about it. Only you can answer.

That said, there’s nothing else left to do but write something. And at least do a few tongue twisters.

This is dedicated to my sister Crystal.

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